Why?

I have spent the last two days laying in bed sick with the flu. This provides for a lot of time to lay there and think. Think about the past, the here and now, and the future. Some times this is beneficial and sometimes it causes one to second guess things. Maybe second guess actions or choices of the past, or second guess the anticipated future.

To borrow an old expression, we all make our own beds and at some point have to lay down in them. What is one to do if something has been in the making for years, costing tens of thousands of dollars, and towards the end of it after all that time and money has been spent, doubt settles in. There is the great play gone movie, Doubt. The final scene between the Rev. Mother and the young Sister says so much. The very self-sure Rev. Mother who has been the rock of the movie, breaks down. "I have doubts." She cries.

What is one to do when they find them self in just the place that the uber strong Rev. Mother was in? Full of doubts and feeling alone at the place one is in, alone like the Rev. Mother was. She had people around her, she had her fellow sisters, and she was strong for them. But, she herself was unsure, doubtful. Doubtful of what, we really don't know. The Church maybe, her faith, the accusations of the priest she accused. Maybe it was life in general, maybe she doubted the goodness of humanity. Maybe she doubted her vocation and calling, maybe she doubted her abilities to do the job she was entrusted to do. Maybe there were things in her life, things about herself she hid behind the habit that she wore. Doubts.

I have doubts.

MJV