Why?

I have spent the last two days laying in bed sick with the flu. This provides for a lot of time to lay there and think. Think about the past, the here and now, and the future. Some times this is beneficial and sometimes it causes one to second guess things. Maybe second guess actions or choices of the past, or second guess the anticipated future.

To borrow an old expression, we all make our own beds and at some point have to lay down in them. What is one to do if something has been in the making for years, costing tens of thousands of dollars, and towards the end of it after all that time and money has been spent, doubt settles in. There is the great play gone movie, Doubt. The final scene between the Rev. Mother and the young Sister says so much. The very self-sure Rev. Mother who has been the rock of the movie, breaks down. "I have doubts." She cries.

What is one to do when they find them self in just the place that the uber strong Rev. Mother was in? Full of doubts and feeling alone at the place one is in, alone like the Rev. Mother was. She had people around her, she had her fellow sisters, and she was strong for them. But, she herself was unsure, doubtful. Doubtful of what, we really don't know. The Church maybe, her faith, the accusations of the priest she accused. Maybe it was life in general, maybe she doubted the goodness of humanity. Maybe she doubted her vocation and calling, maybe she doubted her abilities to do the job she was entrusted to do. Maybe there were things in her life, things about herself she hid behind the habit that she wore. Doubts.

I have doubts.

MJV

What's is all about....

So I am taking the advice of my friend Brandon and actually writing something on this here blog...

I am in my third year of a Master of Divinity program at Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary. Which in sort means I will be graduating in May with my degree and no job in sight. I made a transition from the United Methodist Church to the Episcopal Church this past May. Because of this, my ordination process has been interrupted as well. Long story short, I wont be ordained and given the go ahead to "officially operate in a pastoral role" for the organized Church for at least 2-3 years. This leaves me with an unknown future...what will I do for work? How will i pay my bills once the student loans stop in May. Where am I going to find a job when there are more unemployed people it seems in Chicago than those with jobs...I know...it comes down to trust...right?

To be honest, I am sick and tired of well intentioned people saying to me "God has a plan and everything will work out..." I have even found myself saying that to friends going through similar situations. I am not saying that God is not present in our lives, quite the contrary but, I do not believe we live a life that was planned out for us moment by moment since the beginning of time. Life is a very complicated thing, and there are choices we all have to make that form what our lives will end up being. God's is present with us every step of the way to love us and sustain us within those things we choose to do. I do also believe that God provides us opportunities to assist us in the journey we are on, we just have to be willing to recognize when those opportunities are present to us.

I recall a story of a man who falls on hard times and prays to God that he would win the lottery. The numbers come up and the man does not win. The next day the man prays to God asking again to win the lottery, this time promising to share the money he wins with his family and those who are in need. Again, the numbers come up and the man does not win. This goes on for a few more days, and the man promises all kinds of things to God in return for letting him win...again the numbers come up and the man does not win. The next day as he is praying to win a voice comes down from Heaven and says "Hey Bill, it's God humor me and buy a lotto ticket."

How often do we just expect God to drop what we need into our laps? Wouldn't it be cool if that was the way it worked? Some times it seems that there are those around us that seem to have just that happen to them. Everything seems to just fall into place, in their jobs, relationships, financial status. Some would say that those who have such good things happen must have more faith or better status with God, that in my opinion could not be further from the truth. While I do believe that all we have is a blessing from God, our lives at the center most of that. I do not think that God pours blessings out on us according to our merits or our favor with God. God's love is universial and equal for all...and when I say all, I mean all. God's love is not dependet on our acceptance of it, dependent upon our social or economical status in society. When looking at the life of Jesus Christ he reached out to all people, even those that society deemed unworthy to be touched.

So where am I going with this, that is a good question. I don't really know. Just like I don't know where tomorrow is going to take me as well. However, one thing I do know is that God's love and grace will be there to surround me each step of the way. There will be times when I wont know where I am or what is going on, but I can trust in God's love at those times. Life is a journey, at times it is a busy Chicago street with lots of honking cars and pot holes big enough to swollow you up. Other times it is a beautiful treelined lakeside Northern Michigan country road. No matter what road we are on, it is part of the journey and sometimes we have to take a detour or sit in traffic and wait like those that are around us.

The road I am on right now is one with lots of turns and streets with no signs...but I am trusting in God's presence to accompany me on the the journey. There is always something that we can learn from every situation, I just hope I have my head up and my eyes open for the lessons to be learned in this one.

I guess thats all for now.

Peace....MJV